Time for a change?
They say that no one changes until it becomes too uncomfortable to stay the same. So if you’re here, it may be due to one of two reasons: either your wife or girlfriend has had enough and has told you so in no uncertain terms, or you – on your own – have realized that something’s just not right. You’ve realized that you’re seeing life in black and white, while others see it in color.
In other words, either she’s not happy, you’re not happy, or both.
She’s not happy
Over time she’s made it increasingly clear that something’s wrong in your relationship and that she’s unhappy. But now things have boiled over, and she’s given you the “I can’t go on living like this, something needs to change” speech. You know, the one that ends with that unpleasant little ultimatum, “or else”. And whether it’s just an empty threat or she’s already halfway out the door, you know she’s hurting.
She says you don’t communicate with her, that you never open up to her or show any emotions, and that this leaves her feeling empty and frustrated and lonely. She's not happy.
You’re not happy
Or perhaps you’ve known for quite a while now that there’s a problem. You're just not at peace with yourself, and there's a nagging lack of rest and joy in your life, not to mention some confusion about how to fix things.
You've watched other people's relationships succeed while yours have floundered or failed, and you've come to realize that they’re seeing things that you don’t. You’ve realized that they understand things that you don’t. It’s like they’re seeing the world in color while you’re stuck in black and white.
And black and white describes your life. No emotion, no color. You're great at being logical and rational, but don't really understand or value your own emotions, let alone those of others. It's a language that you just don't speak. You've realized this, and perhaps have even tried to fix it yourself. But your colorless life and relationships remain, and you're unhappy.
How did you end up here?
If you have realized - or have been told - that you're unemotional, disconnected, or too detached, there's a reason for that. Often, emotionally detached men were raised in an environment where it was not safe to be emotional.
You may have had a chaotic upbringing where emotions ran out of control, and you came view them as dangerous. You may have learned to stifle your emotions when you were shamed for them, or when you realized that they were unwanted. But whatever the cause, at a deep level, you're not able to be emotional, and in fact emotions and emotional people make you uncomfortable.
A system built by a child
In essence an emotionally detached man is running an emotional system he built as a child in response to the harmful chaos, shame, or indifference he experienced then. And understandably, the goal of that system was to protect himself. But now as an adult, trying to have a relationship with an adult woman, he's still running that self-protecting system.
So when she wants to connect, he wants to protect. When she wants to explore and feel his emotions and hers, he just wants to get the heck out of there. Emotions are a sign of weakness, invite shame, are irrational and leave him in danger of losing control. Or so he believes.
The truth shall set you free
The truth, of course, is that you don't have to run the same emotional system you built as a child. If you're willing to do the work you can learn to speak the language, you can learn to experience her emotions and yours without feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed. It's hard work, because you have a lifetime of habitual reactions to overcome, but I can walk you through it.
A stronger you is the goal
Instead of struggling against emotion and suppressing it, my goal is to help you become truly strong, able to handle your emotions and hers with ease.
Instead of avoiding her feelings or yours by hiding behind logic, my goal is to help you use logic to moderate and regulate those feelings.
And instead of living in black and white, my goal is to help you integrate emotion and feeling into your life, so that you can understand the language that others are speaking and experience the vivid richness that emotion brings to life and relationships.
Contact us today
Healing is possible if you're ready to do the work, so please email me or call me today at 210-341-3525 to schedule an appointment. I can help you learn to experience emotions and connection from a position of strength.